Finding My Self in Silence: An Adventure of Self-Reconnection

It seems like a distant memory, however I can remember it like yesterday. That day when I decided that enough was enough and I booked myself in to a 10-day silent meditation retreat for December 2008.

I was on a familiar path (just like that mouse going round and round on the hamster wheel), where I was trying to be the best person I could be. Yes, it looked great on the outside, however behind the scenes it was a very different story.

The Hamster Wheel of Self-Neglect

The reality of my life was an endless to-do list that never shortened, leaving no time to attend to my own needs and well-being. I constantly prioritised others’ needs before mine because I didn’t realise it was acceptable to have my own needs – in fact, I couldn’t even identify what they were. I was trapped in an exhausting cycle of self-doubt, hearing messages that while I was a good athlete, that was somehow different from being a professional in education. This led me to jump from course to course, searching for answers everywhere except where they actually resided: within myself. To add to this, I was not moving my body, drinking a few energy drinks a day to keep up with the external demands of life and struggling to get enough sleep or eating very well.

The Silent Meditation Retreat: An Adventure Inward

Once I began the mediation retreat, I started to realise how much I needed to change. During the first 5 days of that retreat, I became very intimate with my mind and the many, many, many emotions I had not expressed (as I had been taught not to show my opponent my emotions as an athlete and this transferred in to the rest of my life). For me, the unexpressed emotions equated to experiencing enormous amounts of pain in my body. However, somehow I knew the pain would subside over time and thankfully it did around day 6 or 7.

Starting to See Clearly

During that meditation retreat I was fortunate to have a very clear seeing or awakening, which was in order for the world to change, I needed to change. I was given insight in to different things that I had not done and how I could support myself to start to make conscious changes. And since then I have continued to untangle from draining habits (i.e. perfectionism, blame, ‘shoulding’ on myself and overcommitment) and take small, achievable actions towards living in alignment with my mind and heart and relearning to trust myself.

Coming Home to Your Self

Today, when I meet others who are caught in that familiar cycle of overextending and self-doubt, I recognise that look in their eyes. I can appreciate the exhaustion of trying to be everything to everyone while losing yourself in the process.

And I want you to know – there is another way. Your adventure might not involve a 10-day meditation retreat, but it will involve coming home to your Self – looking within. Start small. Listen to that quiet voice inside that’s asking for rest, for authenticity, for change. Remember – you have the wisdom you need within you. It’s just waiting to be connected to (i.e. seen, valued and heard).

Did this resonate with you? Is it time to focus on your own needs and on your own whole-hearted vision? Feel free to share what resonated with you below. Also – you can connect with me here or book a coaching or mentoring chat here.

If you are ready to take yourself on the adventure of getting to know yourself (your true Self), why not join the Toolkit? A place where I share tools, inspiration and ideas to live a courageous and openhearted life.