Is Perfectionism Getting in the Way of Your Life?

Jane Taylor
JT - Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight

Is Perfectionism Getting in the Way of Your Life? It was for me…

Growing up and early in to my adult life, one thing I wanted was for everything to be perfect (yes, have all the ducks in a row). I had a very strong inner critic / protector and subsequently, I was quite fearful of many things (i.e. making mistakes, failing and being fully seen in my vulnerabilities).

Investing Time to Reflect

Hindsight is a beautiful thing and after investing time to reflect, I could see a variety of thinking patterns and emotions. Some of my thinking patterns linked to failure, of not being worthy or ‘good enough’ from different experiences growing up as well as perfectionism.

Fortunately, the gift of life and some great mentors/coaches in my life supported me through some extremely challenging times. One thing I can now see is, it wasn’t failure as such I was fearful of, it was my thinking, feelings and meaning I had created around it and I needed to find the courage to just be myself (with all my imperfections).

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”

~ Michael J. Fox

The Perfectionist and The Optimalist

A few years ago, I came across the book The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life by Tal Ben-Shahar. I could relate to his story on a few levels as Tal was a squash player (and I was a tennis player) who was very driven and when he got injured, took that drive in to the world of academia (which was similar to what I did, however I chose not to finish my PhD).

In Part 1 of the book called accepting failure, Tal refers to Perfectionism and Optimalism and the essential differences between these two. He says that 

“No person is 100% a perfectionist or 100% an Optimalist. Instead, we think of perfectionism and optimalism as lying on a continuum, and each of us tends to a lesser or greater degree to one end or the other of the continuum.” 

(p.7).

Ben-Shahar goes on to say “…we may be Optimalists in some areas of our lives and Perfectionists in others.” An example of this may be we may be quite forgiving of mistakes of ourselves or others in our workplace, however when our expectations are not met in a relationship we could become quite anxious. According to Ben-Sharar 

“…the more a Perfectionist cares about something, the more he is likely to approach it with the Perfectionist’s particular mind-set.”

(p.8).

Following are the characteristics of the Perfectionist and the Optimalist that are referred to in the book The Pursuit of Perfect-

The Perfectionist verses the Optimalist

It is important to note that perfectionists don’t have to exhibit all of these qualities or have these qualities the same in every situation. However, according to Ben-Shahar the more people –

“…exhibit these qualities the higher their susceptibility to a range  of disorders, problems, and challenges associated to perfectionism.”

(p.19).

Reflection –

  • Can you relate to any of these characteristics?
  • If so, how do any those characteristics currently effect your life? Are there any consequences?
  • What can you choose to do now that you are aware of how these characteristics are effecting you?

If you are ready to reclaim your courage and take the next step towards freedom and opening your heart, why not join our Toolkit?

Reference –

Ben-Shahar, T. (2009). The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life. USA: McGraw Hill.

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