Untangling Stressful Habits – Perfectionism

If you have been in my world for a while, you will know that I am passionate about habits and untangling unhelpful habits to live a fulfilling and whole-hearted life as a well-being. So I am writing a series to shed some light on some stressful habits that have come back in to my awareness recently.

Before I start sharing about stressful habits, let’s have a look at what stressful habits are.

What Are Stressful Habits?

Basically – habits can be useful or not so useful, helpful or not so helpful, stress inducing or not. Sometimes we are conscious of our habit/s (i.e. often chosen and intentional) or the habit/s can sit within our blind spots or the unknown.

When I refer to stressful habits, I am referring to habits that are impacting our overall life, business or well-being. They could be adding extra stress, suffering or draining life force energy in our lives. The stressful habits could be showing up in one or a variety of areas within our lives (i.e. physical, emotional, mental, financial, environmental or social).

In order to start to untangle from stressful habits, we need to develop self-awareness, so we can be more responsible and take ownership of our own life. Today I wanted to introduce perfectionism.

Stressful Habit: Perfectionism

Perfectionism is hard to define, however the following definition gives some good insights –

• “A disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.” ~ Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary
• “A personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.” ~ Dictionary.com
•  “Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” ~ Oxford Dictionaries
• “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to do your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is not self-improvement or striving for excellence. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimise or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. 
  
  Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at it’s core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance  Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused – How can I improve? Perfectionism – is other focused – What will they think?” ~ Brené Brown in the Gifts of Imperfection

In the above definitions of perfectionism, you probably noticed the words –

• unrealistically demanding goals,
• a sign of personal worthlessness, and
• rejection or refusal of anything less (than perfectionism).

Anything you would add to these definitions of perfectionism? Feel free to share below

Where Does Perfectionism Show Up?

Perfectionism can show up in many places within our lives. Some of the details (behaviours, feelings and thoughts) of perfectionism include –

• Behaviours/actions –
  • not being satisfied with work,
  • criticising ourselves harshly, and
  • procrastinating.
• Feelings / emotions –
  • fearful of looking silly and making mistakes,
  • disappointed and feeling like a failure for not being perfect, and
  • challenged and a sense of shame when criticised.
• Thoughts and thought patterns –
  • All or nothing thinking – for example “anything less than perfect is a failure”, “asking for help is a sign of a weakness”, “I’m never good enough” and “if I can’t do it perfectly then what is the point?”, and
  • Using ‘Should’ statements – thinking in terms of should, must, ought imposes a view about the way the world in which may not tie with reality, and which induces emotional unhappiness, resentment and guilt – for example “I should never make mistakes” or “I should have been able to pick that up before it happened”.

Where else can you identify perfectionism showing up? Feel free to share below.

Over to You…

Now you have this awareness, what is your next step? Feel free to share any insights on perfectionism or a reflection below. Remember to take care of yourself (yes BE self-compassionate). Sometimes change can take a while, so be patient. Also – remember when perfectionism is consciously understood it supports our adventure of wholeness and heartful living.

If you are ready to take yourself on the adventure of getting to know yourself (your true Self), why not join the Toolkit? A place where I share tools, inspiration and ideas to live a courageous and openhearted life.

Reference –

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. USA: Hazelden.